The one’s we love never really leave us – at least, that’s what I’d like to think especially when I think of you papillon.
Papillon because we captured an orange one on one of our walks. Papillon because I can’t bring myself to think of a creature that could be likened to you. Papillon because I’m not healed enough to dig through the dusty files of our former friendship. But today, I briefly let myself think of you. And I am happy I did. You on my bed, me on my chair, us – deep in conversation about everything and nothing. Friendship, family, business, hardship, growth, relationships, life back home, life here, life with the ‘roos, true love, silly tv shows, sex. I can’t think of anything I was ever scared of sharing with you. We would laugh so hard, we forgot to breathe. Then share our darkest of times, and I would delve so deep in your sorrow that my heart bled. We would chat my flatties ears numb only to realise, we hadn’t eaten all day. A quick walk to the grocery store and we’d be back with a box of white wine.
Four glasses for me, six for you, and we were tipsy enough to eat a whale. You would suggest a quick fix – Chapati mayai. Nobody could ever convince me to eat those two together – not even the Juja rolex traders after a drunken night in the city, but somehow you did. We would empty the box and dance to random YouTube videos at the dismay of my next door flatmate (when she was around.)
Today, I needed a quick fix. A quick fix for dinner, a quick fix of you. So I collected all the memories that were too far in the past to hurt. Memories of everything nice and rosy – our honeymoon stage. I poured those memories into a pan and made myself chapatis and eggs, just the way you made them for me. And I thought of you as I ate them. I thought of how nice it would be to have you here on a cold Monday night, eating chapatis, huddled around my useless heater – talking of our latest ventures, my new favourite artist, or just watching and laughing at trashy TV. But things happen as they need to, and maybe it’s a good thing that I’m eating these chapatis alone. Maybe we will have chapati mayai together in the future, maybe the chapatis in the past were the last ones for us. Either way, I will always cherish my chapatis and eggs and cherish you, for giving me the recipe to this special fix.